TheFellowship at Middle-Earth com
by narniagirl11
Summary: After giving in to Aragorn's request, Gandalf installs internet in Middle Earth. And he realizes, though others do not, just how much fun - or trouble - will be caused. From Pippin's pranks to Gollum spamming, Middle Earth will be turned upside-down!
1. Competing with Gollum

**Author's note:** So this is a little project that I have been working on for a while. My first Lord of the Rings fic! Alright, I admit it isn't really a true story. It's just nonsense that my sister and I make up. Did I ever mention that when we babysit is when we make up most of these adventures? It all started when Frodo's homework assignment from Principal Gandalf was to take the One Ring to Mount Doom but his mom grounded him. Yep, that's where this story started! Ha. And it also had some inspiration from "Their_Majesties at CairParavel. gov" my story about when Narnia got internet. But this has a totally different plot. I hope you like it!

* * *

**The_Fellowship at Middle-Earth. com**

The Fellowship's Email Address Book

Aragorn: kinginexile at ranger. org

Arwen: rngerluvr at rivendell. gov

Bilbo Baggins: reluctantburgler at bagend. com

Boromir: whitetowercaptain at gondor. gov

Elrond: elfwiseguy at rivendell. gov

Eomer: riddermarkmarshal at rohirrim.g ov

Eowyn: shieldmaiden at rohirrim. gov

Faramir: laststeward at gondor. gov

Frodo Baggins: ringbearer at bagend. com

Galadriel: nenyawearer at lorienbeauty. org

Gandalf: fireworkmadness at wizardassociation.c om

Gimli: beardbeauty at hairstylesforever. com

Gollum: tastyfishes at preciousring. org

Legolas: sureshotelf at mirkwood. gov

Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck: nazgûlslayer at halflingparty. org

Peregrin (Pippin) Took: mischiefprone at halflingparty. org

Samwise (Sam) Gamgee: loyalhobbit at simplegardening. com

Sauromon: whitetraitor at powercrazed. com

Sauron: oneringtorule at takeovermiddle-earth. com

* * *

The_Fellowship

From: Gandalf

To: Bilbo Baggins; Frodo Baggins; Sam Gamgee; Merry Brandybuck; Pippin Took

Subject: Email in the Shire

* * *

My dear Hobbit friends,

At long last I have been able to bring internet to the Shire. It may change it for the better, or for the worse, but we will have to wait and see. I have also taken the liberty of emailing your email addresses to our other friends scattered throughout Middle Earth. They will reply to you and that way you can gain their addresses as well. You can reach me by replying to this email.

Sincerely,

Gandalf

P.S. Peregrin, I already know what you are thinking so I will warn you: out in the world of internet there are a great number of dragons. Be cautious as you explore.

* * *

From: Bilbo Baggins

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: Email in the Shire

* * *

Gandalf,

Thank you so much for your help. Now I shall be able to easily collect stories of adventures from all our friends scattered throughout Middle Earth. If I were you, which I'm not, but if I were, I would keep a close – very close - eye on Young Pippin.

Sincerely, Bilbo

* * *

From: Pippin Took

To: Merry Brandybuck

Subject: Email

* * *

Merry,

Wasn't Gandalf an old dear to let us have internet? I wonder what kind of trouble we will get into. Do you think we are famous? I wonder if I am as popular as our friend Caspy the Fake over in the Narnia Universe? But I sincerely believe that my hair is better than his. What do you think?

Your fellow conspirator, Pippin

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: Email

* * *

Pippin,

I think you are quite vain. Your hair isn't even as good as the hair on my feet.

- Merry

* * *

From: Arwen

To: Aragorn

Subject: Shoes

* * *

Aragorn, honey, did you realize that you left your shoes in the refrigerator? Eowyn found them when she was helping me cook dinner while you and Faramir were scheming about how to convince Gandalf to let Middle Earth have internet.

I'm quite interested why your shoes were in the fridge. Were you trying to top the time that Gollum left Frodo's finger in the bathroom sink? Just wondering. Sometimes you do worry me.

Love, Arwen

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Arwen

Subject: RE: Shoes

* * *

Arwen, my dear,

I'm so sorry about my shoes. I was merely hiding them from my hunting dog since he keeps trying to chew on them. I was not in any way trying to compete with Gollum. I can't believe that you would even suggest that!

- Aragorn

* * *

From: Arwen

To: Aragorn

Subject: RE: Shoes

* * *

Well, I wouldn't put it past you to compete with Gollum. You know that sometimes he is more famous than you. He is definitely more quoted than you. What kind of kid runs around saying, "Arwen, you said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people." No, they run around screaming, "PRECIOUS!"

* * *

From: Arwen

To: Aragorn

Subject: RE: RE: Shoes

* * *

Oh, Arwen! How could you? I still love you though. After all, you did give up immorality for me. Darling!

Love your dearest, Ary

* * *

From: Arwen

To: Aragorn

Subject: RE: RE: Shoes

* * *

Aragorn! Since when did you start behaving like an OOC love-sick teenager? I'm appalled at your behavior! And do not degrade yourself to the name of "Ary"!

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Arwen

Subject: RE: RE: Shoes

* * *

Um, Arwen, I didn't write that. But who did?

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: Oh-ho!

* * *

Merry! You'll never guess what I did! I discovered Aragorn's email password! Ha ha! And I got on and wrote a somewhat disturbing email to Arwen. It was great!

Crazy as always, Pippin

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: Oh-ho!

* * *

Um, Pippin, I don't think Aragorn is going to be happy when he finds out. And neither is Gandalf. Just sayin'.

- Merry

* * *

**Author's note: **How'd you like it? Let me know! Do you think the 13 dwarves from "The Hobbit" be included?

Feel free to review or PM me with other characters and their emails that you would like me to include. Just make sure you write the email out like this: example at example. example. You have to include spaces and write out "at" instead of the little sign. Otherwise I can't read them cause fanfiction automatically removes them. Thanks!


	2. Hasty Little Halflings

**Author's note: **So yesterday I got to see "The Hobbit" and it was AMAZING! Go watch it if you get a chance. So that propelled me to write this next chapter. Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I have been away from Middle Earth and visiting Narnia because they are on the verge of a great war that might bring about their demise. (In other words, I've been busy writing my Narnia fic, "Born For This"). But now here is the next chapter. And I do have more characters to include. I decided not to include all 13 of the dwarves, but Thorin will be in it. So here are the new ones. Thanks for your suggestions!

Rosie Cotton (She isn't married to Sam yet): littleturnip at simplegardening. com

Smaug: deepfrier at treasurehoarder. com

Thorin Oakenshield: heartofthemountain at arkenstone. org

Treebeard: olderthandirt at oldentish. org

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Pippin

Subject: Warning

* * *

Peregrin Took!

What mischief are you causing? Aragorn reported that Arwen suspected that you were sending her somewhat disturbing emails. Is this true, Peregrin?

- Gandalf

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: Warning

* * *

Ummm, sorry Gandalf. I think you have the wrong hobbit. Perhaps it was Merry or Sam or – MERRY!

Hi Gandalf! I took Pippin's computer away. Is that alright? It really was Pippin. He told me all about it. Wasn't it funny? Arry? He he. Sorry. I know you're probably very mad at Pippin and I, but it was purely on accident that Pippin discovered Aragorn's password. Honest! Well…mostly honest anyway. Can we still get free internet service? Bilbo is addicted to Angry Dragons. He nearly beat Smaug's high score the other day! Please be nice to Pippin and I. :)

Love, Merry (and Pippin, though he doesn't send his love. He thinks you look like a disheveled goat. What does that mean?)

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Merry

Subject: Pippin

* * *

My dear Merry,

Pippin's comment merely means that I look like I have been sleeping in a stable for a week. He's just sore that I showed him up by winning my 1,784th trophy for best fireworks. (WOOT!) (Ahem, forget I said that. Wizards aren't supposed to talk like that.) Pippin's blew up in his face. He'll never learn, I'm afraid. This will all blow over fairly quickly, I'm sure.

- Gandalf

* * *

From: Treebeard

To: Merry; Pippin

Subject: Greetings

* * *

Hello, my hasty little friends!

Have you by any small amount of luck come across the entwives that you promised to look for? Write back when you have time. I don't want you to be too hasty in your response. It took me nearly two months to compose this hasty little message that runs through the air (I didn't understand how. Gandalf was too hasty in his explanation). I hope you aren't ready this too hastily. Haste never becomes anyone. It is always important to be fashionably late like all good ents. We always arrive several days after the party is scheduled to begin. That is weeks after we decided whether or not we will attend. I feel that I am hasty in sending this email. But I shall do it anyway. Do not get into trouble, young hasty halflings!

Your ancient friend, Treebeard

P.S. Let me know if you see the entwives! But don't be too hasty about it!

* * *

From: Frodo

To: Gollum

Subject: Fingy

* * *

Gollum, can I have my finger back?

- Frodo

* * *

From: Gollum

To: Frodo

Subject: Re: Fingy

* * *

PRECIOUS EATS IT!

* * *

From: Frodo

To: Gollum

Subject: RE: Fingy

* * *

I'm serious, Gollum.

* * *

From: Gollum

To: Frodo

Subject: RE: Fingy

* * *

SO EAS PRECIOUS.

* * *

From: Frodo

To: Gollum

Subject: RE: Fingy

* * *

Never mind.

* * *

From: Rosie Cotton

To: Sam

Subject: Snake

* * *

Hello Sam,

I found a snake in our garden today. Do you think you could come remove it and relocated it in the forest somewhere? Thank you.

Love, Rosie

* * *

From: Sam

To: Rosie Cotton

Subject: RE: Snake

* * *

Hello Rosie,

Yes, I would love to visit you, er, remove the snake. How is your garden? Would you like some cucumber seeds I found by the pond?

Yours truly, Sam

* * *

**Author's note: **So that's all for this chapter. But I will try to work on more. If you are a Narnia fan, or are even remotely interested in Narnia (it IS similar to Middle Earth. Ever notice how Middle Earth has Ettinmoors and Narnia has Ettinsmoor? C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien were close friends after all), check out my other stroies. Well, that's all hobbits, er elves, er men, or whatever sort of thing you are! Until we meet again soon.

"I call all times soon." - Aslan


	3. Blonde Joke for Legolas

**Author's note: **Merry Christmas! A little early. Well, since Christmas is coming fast, this is my last update before my Christmas break. Then you won't hear from me for a while. But I should be back around New Year's.

About this chapter: Eowyn and Faramir aren't married yet. They are engaged.

And here are my latest additions:

Lindir the Elf: fangirlmagnent at coolelf. com (thanks Gaia was Framed for the idea)

Grima: disgustingdude at creepsforever. net (thanks to my sister)

* * *

From: Rosie

To: Sam

Subject: RE: RE: Snake

* * *

Thank you for removing the snake, Sam. I enjoyed talking, um helping you plant those cucumber seeds. They will make a fine plant when they grow.

Love, Rosie

* * *

From: Sam

To: Rosie

Subject: RE: RE: Snake

* * *

Hello Rosie,

I was glad I was able to assist you in your snake removal. I would love to see your garden again when the cucumber seeds sprout.

Faithful as always, Sam

* * *

From: Gollum

To: Eowyn

Subject: CUTESY

* * *

PRECIOUS THINKS YOU CUTE!

* * *

From: Eowyn

To: Gollum

Subject: RE: CUTESY

* * *

Oooooh. And how old are you? Are you really handsome?

SHUT UP, EOMER, AND GET OFF MY EMAIL! FARAMIR IS GOING TO KILL YOU!

Oops, sorry, random handsome person emailing my sister. She's going to report us to her fiancé. You better discontinue- OW! ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, EOWYN! I'M LEAVING! YOU DIDN'T NEED TO WHACK ME WITH THAT DULL PIECE OF IRON!

Adios!

- Eomer

* * *

From: Eowyn

To: Faramir

Subject: Creepy

* * *

Faramir, darling, some creep emailed me the other day and said that he thought I was cute. Can you do something about this? Oh, and then my oaf of a brother, Eomer, started writing him back and he was pretending to be ME! Please whack him on the head for me.

Your beloved, Eowyn

* * *

From: Faramir

To: Eowyn

Subject: RE: Creepy

* * *

Of course, dear. I will handle Gollum at once. As much as you wish me to damage your brother's tender brains, I must refrain from doing so because he is your brother and if I damage him, he will forbid me from marrying you. And I'm sure that once you calm down and stop ranting and screaming at your iPad, you will see the wisdom in this decision.

Eternally yours, Faramir

* * *

From: Faramir

To: Gollum

Subject: Warning!

* * *

Gollum! You creep! Leave my sweetheart alone! Or I'll – I'll chop your finger off and give it to Frodo!

- Faramir, most beloved lover of his fiancé, Eowyn

P.S. If you DARE insult her again, I will pull the rest of your nasssty teeth out too!

* * *

From: Gimil

To: Legolas

Subject: Blonde

* * *

Hey Leggy!

You just gotta read this blonde joke! It is SO HILARIOUS!

One day a blonde climbed into a canoe in the middle of a cornfield and began to row. Another blonde came up and said, "This is why people think we are stupid! You're a disgrace to all blondes! Why, if I could swim, I'd come out and get you!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'm laughing so hard that all those lost chicken legs from Aragorn's coronation feast (remember how I couldn't find them?) fell out of my beard onto the floor. Can you imagine?

- Gimli, son of Gloin

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Blonde

* * *

First off, Gimli, though I may be your friend, you may NOT call me Leggy. If you feel I must have a nickname, I would prefer Lego, Las, or Legging-less since I do not wear those nasty legging things that dreaded fangirls wear.

Secondly, that blonde joke was HILARIOUS! (I still don't fully get it…) And the chicken legs – that's just gross. I did not need to know that.

- Legolas, the Archer Elf

(Wait… Did you send me that blonde joke cause I have blond hair?)

* * *

From: Gimil

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Blonde

* * *

Um…maybe. He he. *sheepish smile*. Sorry Leggings!

- Gimli

* * *

From: Frodo

To: Aragorn

Subject: My finger

* * *

Aragorn! Guess what! I found my long lost finger! You'll never guess where it was! In the toothpaste tube! And I found Boromir in my closet. Is that disturbing or what? I thought you said that he died protecting Pippin and Merry.

Rejoicing because I found my finger,

Frodo

P.S. I knew I shouldn't have believed Gollum! He said he had eaten it! Well, I show him. HEY! GOLLUM! GIVE IT BACK NOW!

:( :( Aragorn, Gollum just stole my finger again. I think I'm going to cry, even if it is unmanly, er unhobbitish? :(

* * *

From: Saruman

To: Gandalf

Subject: My Precious

* * *

Greetings, Gandalf.

Have you by any chance seen a very, very long (trailing on the ground), white beard wandering around? I seem to have misplaced mine.

Thank you,

Saruman

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Saruman

Subject: RE: My Precious

* * *

Um, no, Saruman, I haven't. I will send out the word though. Perhaps you simply placed it somewhere in your tower.

- Gandalf

* * *

From: Saruman

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: My Precious

* * *

Hmm, I can't find it anywhere. I think that perhaps Grima or that ent, Tree-whiskers or whatever his name was, took it.

- Saruman

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Saruman

Subject: RE: My Precious

* * *

Um, Saruman, have you looked in the mirror lately? Perhaps it is simply on your face.

- Gandalf

* * *

From: Lindir the Elf

To: Gandalf

Subject: Captive

* * *

Hullo Gandalf!

I found a very, very long (trailing on the ground), white beard in the forest the other day. Do you have any idea who it could belong to? I am holding it hostage until it is claimed. Don't worry, I gave it a good, long, soothing brush today.

- Lindir the Awesomely Handsome

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Lindir the Elf

Subject: RE: Captive

* * *

Lindir, you are a fool. You are solely concerned with girls and their girlish fantasies. Bah. Foolish elf. Elrond will cut off your goldie locks for this impetuousness.

Yes, I do know of someone who was missing their beard. Kindly return it to Saruman at Isenguard.

- Gandalf the Amazing

* * *

**Author's note: **So Merry Christmas and I hope you laughed! This chapter was definately full of nonsense! I hope you all laugh like Gimli over your Christmas time fun!


	4. Recipe for Trouble

**Author's note: **Happy New Year! This is my very first update for the year. :)

Any of you seen "National Treasure"? In the first one, if you remember Ian, the bad guy, that's Boromir! I just figured that out last night. So that's why Boromir had to be in this chapter.

* * *

From: Frodo

To: Boromir

Subject: Why?

* * *

So, Boromir, I'm quite curious to know why you were hiding in my closet.

- Frodo

* * *

From: Boromir

To: Frodo

Subject: RE: Why?

* * *

I was hiding from my brother. He was chasing me around with a giant replication of my horn. When you press a certain button, it sounds like a cackling clown. I hate clowns. That's why I was hiding. Besides, your cheese balls were really good.

- Boromir of the Cackling Horn

* * *

From: Frodo

To: Boromir

Subject: RE: Why?

* * *

YOU were the one who ate ALL my cheese balls?!

- Frodo

* * *

From: Boromir

To: Frodo

Subject: RE: Why?

* * *

Well… I just couldn't resist them! They were so orange and cheesy and tempting!

- Boromir

* * *

From: Bilbo

To: Gandalf

Subject: Recipe

* * *

Hello Gandalf,

I have just figured out a _wonderful_ new recipe.

- Bilbo

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Bilbo

Subject: RE: Recipe

* * *

Oh, are you trying your hand at cooking now, my little burglar?

- Gandalf, the once-was-Grey-now-is-White

* * *

From: Bilbo

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: Recipe

* * *

Cooking? Ha! Oh, no, dear wizard. Not that sort of recipe. A far more dangerous one. The results are disastrous. It is a recipe for trouble. Take one hobbit named Pippin, add Boromir, Faramir, and a replica of the Horn of Gondor that cackles like a clown (what are those?), and now you know where Frodo's missing cheese ball collection went to. And he was even going to save them for Sam's wedding! If the lad ever plucks up enough courage to ask that Cotton girl of his to marry him.

- Bilbo

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Bilbo

Subject: RE: Recipe

* * *

Hmm, I see. So Boromir feasted on cheese balls and Peregrin ordered a replica of the Horn of Gondor that cackles like a clown so Faramir could torture his brother? Very interesting. I think I know what to do with that horn and with young Peregrin.

- Gandalf the Wise and Cunning Wizard

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Aragorn

Subject: That Took!

* * *

Greetings, Aragorn!

I know you are very busy running your kingdom and sorting things out for Gondor, but could you perhaps take a little time to extract your revenge upon Peregrin Took? It has been made mention to me (by Bilbo) that a certain Last Steward has in his possession a replica of the Horn of Gondor that cackles like a clown. Perhaps you could simply take the hobbit into the woods, tie him to a tree and have that earlier mentioned Last Steward play the aggravating sound over and over for Peregin's _pure enjoyment._ That should teach him to stay out of mischief for a while.

- Gandalf the Ever-Forgiving

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: That Took!

* * *

Why thank you for your wonderful suggestion, Gandalf! I have already located the said Steward and taken possession of the horn. It is horrible. I played it for Arwen and she nearly returned home to Rivendell to Elrond. That's how awful it was. I'm not sure which is scarier: black riders attacking the Ring-bearer or a replica of the Horn of Gondor that sounds like a cackling clown!

- Aragorn

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Aragorn

Subject: Revenge

* * *

Oh, Aragorn! I never knew you were capable of such wickedness! I'm so sorry for hacking your email and I have sworn to hate clowns forever and ever.

- Pippin the Repented

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: Revenge

* * *

I'm sorry too, Pippin. It was awful cruel of me. But I was merciful and had Faramir only play it for two minutes. I hope you learned your lesson. Don't get mixed up in trouble again or Gandalf will find something far worse to torture you with. Blame him. It was his idea.

- Aragorn

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: Joke

* * *

Hey, Gimli!

Here's a joke for you: how many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?

- Las

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Joke

* * *

I don't know. How many?

- Gimli

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Joke

* * *

None! Dwarves don't have light bulbs! Ha ha!

- Las

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Joke

* * *

Legolas! That's so… insulting. And I was even nice about the blonde joke. But this is hurtful. How could you make fun of my people and compare them to light bulbs?

- Gimli the Offended

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Joke

* * *

I'm sorry, Gimli. I was just trying to be funny since you sent me that hilarious blonde joke. No hard feelings?

- Legolas

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Joke

* * *

Oh, alright, I know I can't stay mad at you forever. No hard feelings. Now let's go have a rum gurgling contest and travel all over Middle Earth hunting orcs!

- Gimli

* * *

**Author's note:** Hope you liked it! Gandalf got a little out of character there, but he was really fed up with Pippin's mischief. But do you think the lesson will last? Happy New Year!


	5. Beards Away!

**Note: **My sis and I were watching the LEGO Lord of the Rings footage for their video game, and we were at the part when the Witch King of Angmar grabs Theoden's horse, and my sister suddenly said the line that Theoden King emails to Eomer in this chapter. You'll have to read it to find out!

* * *

From: Treebeard

To: Aragorn; Faramir; Saruman; Gandalf; Pippin; Merry

Subject: Beard Competition

* * *

Hello, my hasty friends, Gandalf, Aragorn, Saruman and Faramir!

I write to you two weeks, far too hasty in my opinion, after the former Wizard Saruman misplaced or lost his very, very long (trailing on the ground) white beard. Lindir the Elf was kind enough to try to return it, however, on its way it was lost in Fangorn Forest. I have been searching for it, ever since I received the hasty message from Gandalf. (Perhaps I should dub you, "Gandalf, the Hasty White Wizard". Hom-hoom.) Now, poor Saruman is still missing his beard, so I suggested to him that we should have a beard growing contest. It won't be hasty (much to my liking, but not to yours) because it takes a very long while to grow such lovely beards. All of you (save Saruman) must shave your current scruffy things that you call beards (my slow apologies, Gandalf. Yours is quite long.) You will grow your beards for several months. Then I, with the help of the hasty halfings, Pippin and Merry, shall decide whose beard it the nicest. Please respond when you find several months of time to spare because it shall take such a long while.

Sincerely, Treebeard

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Treebeard

Subject: RE: Beard Competition

* * *

Hasty, Treebeard? You find me hasty? LOL, er, ha! I suppose I am a bit hasty. :) A beard growing contest. Hmm. I'll have to think about it. I'm not sure if I can part with my beautiful white beard. But I shall consider it carefully and not hastily.

Sincerely, Gandalf the White-Bearded

* * *

From: Faramir

To: Treebeard

Subject: RE: Beard Competition

* * *

Well, I was considering shaving for my wedding, but growing a super cool beard for darling Eowyn would be even better! Alright, I'm in! Hope Eowyn doesn't mind too much. :)

Sincerely, Faramir

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Treebeard

Subject: RE: Beard Competition

* * *

Hi Treebeard, dear.

This is Arwen. Yes, I know I'm on my husband's email, but I thought I would answer for him since he is so busy untangling the computer cords from Gimli's beard. Seriously! That dwarf should not volunteer to fix things he could get tangled in!

Anyway, about the beards. I think it is a simply splendid suggestion! I always wanted to see what Aragorn looked like without one. Wonder how long it shall get…

With butterflies and sunshine, Arwen the no-longer-immortal

(I don't know WHY I had to give up immorality for Aragorn. Whose idea was it anyway? But I still love him.)

* * *

From: Theoden

To: Eomer

Subject: Witch King of Angmar

* * *

Stupid Nazgûl. They give me sinus problems.

- Theoden King

* * *

From: Eomer

To: Theoden

Subject: RE: Witch King of Angmar

* * *

Okaaaay… That's nice, Uncle…

* * *

- Eomer

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: Beards

* * *

I'm going to steal Gandalf's staff so I can grow an awesome beard!

- Pip

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Uh, Pip, I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, what if Gandalf turns you into an ugly frog? Besides, hobbits can't grow beards.

- Merry

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Then I'll just find a pretty girl to kiss and hope it turns me back. If not, well, I'm blaming it on Barbra. Duh, Merry! That's WHY I need Gandalf's staff!

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Who's Barbra?

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

My pet pig, of course! Didn't you see her last night when she ran through Farmer Maggot's cabbage patch?

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: RE: Beards

* * *

Um, no. And I'm glad that I wasn't the one in trouble with Farmer Maggot.

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: RE: RE: Beards

* * *

Oh, he didn't mind too much. Besides, Bilbo came by with a wagon load of cheese balls. They stopped to chat and exchange food. I'm still going to steal Gandalf's staff! I want to have the best beard EVER!

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: RE: Beards

* * *

You're insane, Pip. I'm not helping.

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: RE: RE: Beards

* * *

Fine. I'll do it alone. Bye!

- Pippin

* * *

From: Gollum

To: Sam

Subject: Sockses!

* * *

BUY NEW PRECIOUS SOCKSES FROM SAURON! CLICK ON THE JUICY FISH!

* * *

From: Sam

To: Gollum

Subject: RE: Sockses!

* * *

Gollum, quit spamming me. I'm not falling for it. Why in Middle Earth would Sauron make socks? When does he have time for knitting?

- Sam the Stouthearted

* * *

From: Gollum

To: Sam

Subject: RE: Sockses!

* * *

AWWWWWW! BUT IT EAS A NICE JUICY FISHY! PWEASE?

* * *

From: Sam

To: Gollum

Subject: RE: Sockses!

* * *

Nope. You're not fooling me.

- Samwise

* * *

**Author's note: **Well…the beard competition is about to begin. Did you like Theoden's random line? That is seriously what my sis said! And Gollum spaming? Lol!


	6. Boom Boxes and Brothers

**Author's note: **Well, here is more random humor for you. I was in a joke mood towards the middle of the chapter. It's kinda obvious. :) Eowyn is slightly over-obnoxious due to the annoying things her brother does. Enjoy!

* * *

From: Sauron

To: Saruman

Subject: Eye C U

* * *

Hello Minion,

I couldn't see the Ringbearer so I went to my eye doctor. He says that I have cataracts and need surgery. What do you think of that?

May boom boxes, er, doom descend upon Middle Earth, Sauron

* * *

From: Saruman

To: Sauron

Subject: Eye C U 2

* * *

Hi Most Powerful Master Sauron,

That's too bad about your eye. I thought that it looked a little bloodshot. Can I go destroy the Shire yet? Oh, wait, I can't. I'm in the middle of a beard growing contest arranged by that long-winded ent, Tree-whiskers, or whatever his name is!

- Saruman

* * *

From: Sauron

To: Saruman

Subject: Eye'm watching U

* * *

A BEARD GROWING CONTEST? What sort of a fool did I hire? I thought you were a wizard! Oh, don't make up excuses. I know that the other wizard, Randalf, (oh, WHATEVER!) probably tricked you. Stay with MEEEEEEEE and the DARK SIDE!

* * *

From: Arwen

To: Aragorn

Subject: Idk

* * *

You know, Aragorn, dear, you would be a wonderful dancer, expect for two things.

Love, Arwen

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Arwen

Subject: RE: Idk

* * *

And what would those two things be, dearest?

* * *

From: Arwen

To: Aragorn

Subject: RE: Idk

* * *

Darling, those two things would be your feet.

Love, Arwen

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Arwen

Subject: RE: Idk

* * *

You know, I'm just not going to answer that.

Sincerely, Aragorn

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: Another Joke

* * *

Hi Legolas,

I thought of another joke. Who did the Necromancer bring to the festival?

- Gimli

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Another Joke

* * *

I don't know. Who?

- Leg

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Another Jake

* * *

His ghoul-friend! Ha ha ha! ROTFL again and again and again! SO HILARIOUS! Oh, I can't stop laughing. A whole chicken just feel out of my beard and started dancing. Ha ha, it's doing the chicken dance!

- Gimli the Eternally Amused

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Another Joke

* * *

Okaaaay, Gimli. That's a little disturbing (actually a ton disturbing, that that's beside the point). WHO ACTUALLY HAS A WHOLE CHICKEN IN HIS BEARD? Now I have one for you. What is Gollum's favorite bird?

- Legolas

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Another Joke

* * *

Uuuuuummm, a chicken?

- Gimli

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Another Joke

* * *

No! Why are dwarves so thick-skulled? Never mind. The answer is a Smea-gull. Get it? Seagull? Smeagol? Ha ha.

- Legolas

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Another Joke

* * *

You have a sad sense of humor, my friend.

- Gimli

* * *

From: Eowyn

To: Eomer

Subject: Beards

* * *

Eomer,

Faramir decided to shave his beard! Without my permission too! He won't tell me why. Could you try to pry it out of him? Thanks.

- Eowyn

* * *

From: Eomer

To: Faramir

Subject: Your Beard and My Sister

* * *

Greetings Faramir,

Why did you shave your beard? Eowyn seems very upset with you currently.

Sincerely, Eomer

* * *

From: Faramir

To: Eomer

Subject: Re: Your Beard and My Sister

* * *

Hello, Eomer,

I thought I would be hearing from you soon. I cannot tell Eowyn why I chose to shave my beard because it involves the present I am giving her for our wedding. I can tell you, but only if you promise not to tell her. Treebeard the Ent organized a beard-growing contest and I was invited to compete against Mithrandir, Saruman, and Aragorn. Of course I accepted. It is a great honor. Those are my reasons. I don't want Eowyn to know the silliness of the competition.

- Faramir

* * *

From: Eomer

To: Faramir

Subject: RE: Your Beard and My Sister

* * *

Hmm, that is a very legitimate answer. I am happy that I was not invited. I could not bear to part with my lovely stubble. Ah, it seems so foolish that a man could love his beard so. I shall invent a very believable story to tell Eowyn. Otherwise she might whack me with her sword like last time. I bet she forgot to mention that when she told you about the encounter. I had a huge bump for WEEKS!

Sincerely, Eomer

* * *

From: Eomer

To: Eowyn

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Dear Sister,

I have discovered the reason why your beloved Faramir decided to shave his beard. His elder brother Boromir was threatening to eat all the cheese balls in the kingdom and chase him around with the replica of the Horn of Gondor that cackles like a clown if he didn't shave his beard. Faramir of course complied.

Love your older brother, Eomer

* * *

From: Eowyn

To: Eomer

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Seriously, Eomer? You make up the worst lies ever! Faramir doesn't even like cheese balls. He likes Doritos!

- Eowyn

* * *

From: Eomer

To: Eowyn

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Um, I meant Doritos. It was a typographical error. In other words, it was a typo.

- Eomer

* * *

From: Eowyn

To: Eomer

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Yah, likely story. I don't believe you at all, Eomer!

* * *

From: Eomer

To: Eowyn

Subject: RE: Beards

* * *

Oh, come on! OWWWWW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHACK ME WITH YOUR SWORD AGAIN! I STILL HAVE A BUMB FROM LAST TIME! OWWWWWWWWWW!

* * *

**Author's note: **So there you have it! Hope you laughed. :)


	7. Burglar Prevention

**Author's note: **Finally, an update! Sorry it's been so long! I've been terribly busy and just haven't sat down to write this. :( Poor excuse, I know. So now enjoy!

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Thorin

Subject: Needed

* * *

You need to go on an adventure.

- Gandalf

* * *

From: Thorin

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: Needed

* * *

That's random. But no! I don't want to go an adventure! Find some unwilling, comfort-loving hobbit or something. I'm busy enjoying my treasure. You can't make me.

-Thorin

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Thorin

Subject: RE: Needed

* * *

Or can I? Oh, alright. I'll find someone to go in your place.

* * *

From: Thorin

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: Needed

* * *

GANDALF! Did you put a mark on my door or something? All these hobbits showed up and they are trying to reclaim the Shire so they can get back their treasure of lost carrot seeds! They have this crazy notion in their heads that I am coming with them. Gandalf! I thought we were friends!

* * *

From: Gandalf

To: Thorin

Subject: RE: Needed

* * *

O.O What are you talking about? I didn't send those hobbits…or did I? Hmmm.

* * *

From: Thorin

To: Gandalf

Subject: RE: Needed

* * *

But Gandalf! Blahahahahoooooooooo!

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: IDK

* * *

Let's sky dive from the top of Mt. Doom!

- Pippin

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: IDK

* * *

Why would we want to do that?

- Merry

* * *

From: Pippin

To: Merry

Subject: RE: IDK

* * *

Uhh…cause it's fun? And dangerous?

* * *

From: Merry

To: Pippin

Subject: RE: IDK

* * *

It sounds wicked! You're on!

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: Ears

* * *

Are pointy ears stylish?

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Ears

* * *

Uhh…I guess.

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Ears

* * *

Cool. I want to get some.

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Ears

* * *

Uhh, Gimli, you can't just _get_ pointy ears. You have to be born with them.

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Ears

* * *

Oh, darn. I wanted to be fashionable.

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: Ears

* * *

Gimli, you will never be fashionable.

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: Ears

* * *

Is that an insult?

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: RE: Ears

* * *

I suppose it could be…

Do you have any chicken lost in your beard right now?

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: RE: Ears

* * *

I don't think so. But I don't know for sure. They are _lost_ in my beard after all. Hahahahahaha. Nope. No chicken fell out that time. We should be clear. Why did you want to know?

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: RE: Ears

* * *

Oh, because I had another joke to tell you, but I didn't want gross chicken falling out of your beard.

What did the dwarf say when an elf asked him for some rum?

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: RE: Ears

* * *

Uhh…no, I drank it all?

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: RE: Ears

* * *

The dwarf answered, "Sorry, I'm a little short!" Hahahaha!

* * *

From: Gimli

To: Legolas

Subject: RE: RE: Ears

* * *

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M LAUGHING SO HARD THAT A TURKEY LEG FELL OUT OF MY BEARD.

Oh, wait. That wasn't even funny. You're one crazy elf, but that wasn't funny.

* * *

From: Legolas

To: Gimli

Subject: RE: RE: Ears

* * *

AWWW! How come I can never make you laugh?!

* * *

From: Gollum

To: Sam Gamgee

Subject: FREE YUMMIES!

* * *

CLICK ON THE JUICY FISH IN A FRYING PAN, PRECIOUS, TO WIN PO-TA-TOES!

* * *

From: Sam Gamgee

To: Gollum

Subject: RE: FREE YUMMIES!

* * *

SWEET! Thanks, Gollum!

* * *

From: Aragorn

To: Sam Gamgee

Subject: Warning

* * *

I am sorry I did not warn you sooner, Sam, but Gollum escaped the other day and took to spamming. Please do not follow the links in his emails.

Sincerely, Aragorn

* * *

From: Sam Gagmgee

To: Aragorn

Subject: RE: Warning

* * *

You might have mentioned that a bit sooner, Strider. I clicked on the ad for free potatoes (I should have known better, I know) and it asked for my address which I entered thinking that the potatoes would be shipped here. Well, they did ship something but it wasn't potatoes. It was more like…giant spiders. They are now attacking the outside of Bag End. I'm dreadfully afraid that Mr. Frodo and Mr. Bilbo will throw me out when they return from their journey to Rivendell.

- Sam

* * *

From: Smaug

To: Saruman

Subject: RE: Burglars

* * *

Saruman the White, your literary knowledge is quite extensive, dear wizard. I was wondering if you could explain to me what a burglar is and how I should prevent them from stealing my vast amount of treasure.

Many worthy thanks,

Smaug

* * *

From: Saruman

To: Smaug

Subject: RE: Burglars

* * *

My dear friend, Smaug the most brilliant,

A burglar is someone who sneaks in a steals items. In your case, it is probably a renowned hobbit burglar who goes by the name of Bilbo B. I would suggest installing a Mordor Burglar system, run and managed by my excellent and trustworthy friend, Sauron the One Eyed.

Sincerely, Saruman

* * *

**Author's note:** Hope you laughed and enjoyed it!


End file.
